Cuts & Battle Scars : Part 1

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Remember that I was supposed to help others?

To try to be positive. To be strong.

To be a fighter.

To always fight.

Tapi aku juga cuma manusia biasa.

Yang buat kesalahan.

Yang kadang-kadang pun tersungkur & jatuh juga.

dan kadang-kadang. 

Kalah dengan battle sendiri.

Heck, I've been through so much.

So much that I think I have some sort of an ‘exception’ to be bad.

I could have started smoking, drinking or doing drugs even. 

I could have done all of that.

Tapi aku pilih untuk tak buat semua tu.

even pergi club pun tak.

I've been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

For so long.

I've fought for so long.

But, that one day. that one terrible day.

Aku kalah.

My worst got the best of me.

I just lost it.

And I fell deep into this... dark hole.

"Sekuat mana pun kita. Akan ada satu ketika. Kita akan rebah."

Aku seorang sahaja. Hari hari. Seorang.

I didn't wanna going out. I didn't feel like I wanna have anyone around.

Cuma rasa macam tak boleh nak hadap sahaja. tak boleh nak fight lagi.

I was under a lot of pressure.

Everything was just really bad for me.

It was really bad.

Aku macam bangang.

tak tahu nak keluarkan macam mana.

Because I've been keeping it to myself, my whole life.

So this happened quite recently.

I was out of my mind.

There I was.

Shaving one side of my head.

Out of anger. Out of… depression?

I don't know.

Aku tak berani guna perkataan depression tu sebenarnya.

because I didn't know what I was dealing with. still don't actually.

But itu benda pertama aku buat.

few days later.

I started cutting myself.

Yes.

I cut myself.

Slowly. Started off with a very little one. To more. to even bigger. And even deeper. 

The next thing I knew. My forearm was full with cutting scars. 

It was (I thought) the only way for me to let it all out.

Untuk keluarkan apa yang aku rasa masa tu.

"When the blood flows (out). That's when the pain goes (away)."

What was I thinking?? I admit that I was feeling a lot better after every cut. Buat aku rasa lega (ye. psiko. tapi tu yang aku rasa). I'd feel okay for few hours before I go on for another cut.

I didn't tell a single soul. I kept everything to myself. I was really good at keeping things to myself. Tak ada seorang pun housemates aku tahu yang I was in deep shit masa mula-mula tu.

Dan aku pandai sorok juga. hari-hari pakai baju lengan panjang/hoodies.

"But Aiman, Hairie and Haziqah saved me...."

Three of my best friends saved me. Keluarkan aku dari darkness tu. Tolong aku berdiri balik.

Hairie was the first one yang ternampak. then He texted Aiman. And Aiman bagitahu Haziqah.

Haziqah and Aiman was away masa tu. Thus, the reason kenapa ada gambar-gamabr dekat atas.

Jujur. Aku berhenti solat masa umur 18 tahun. Memberontak.

Mak marah seratus kali. Seratus kali aku ignore.

"Aku kembali kepada Allah.

Aku berdoa setiap hari selesai solat.

"Ya Allah, kau berikan lah kekuatan dan ketenangan yang senantiasa kepada hambamu ini. Kau berikan lah aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi segala ujian, cabaran dan dugaan dari mu, Ya Allah"

Itu adalah doa aku. setiap kali lepas solat. Alhamdulillah. Aku diberi kekuatan dan ketenangan sedikit demi sedikit. Allah murahkan rezeki aku. Hidup aku sibuk dengan kerja dan kerjaya sehingga aku tak sedar. Dalam tempoh aku leka berkerja. Aku diberi kekuatan dan ketenangan untuk meneruskan hidup dengan lebih positif dan menjadi manusia yang redha. Aku lupa semua masalah aku. Alhamdulillah."

Honestly,

And this is very important, I wasn't trying to commit suicide pun.

That was never my intention. Didn’t even cross my mind.

I only wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to let IT go.

But that was crazy-thinking. That was stupid.

Thanks to Haziqah, Aiman and Hairie. Aku berdiri balik. 

And today.

When I look at these scars. These battle scars.

My battle with my issues.

Aku tak pandang parut-parut ni dengan perasaan "I've failed" parut-parut ni adalah tanda yang cakap dekat aku "You're a winner. You've been through darkness. kau jatuh dan bangun semula. And here you are. Standing. (as) A winner. Because you've fought."

And I am a fighter. We all are.

kalau aku boleh lepas benda ni. why can't you? There's a soldier in every one of us. 

So, don’t give up. Fight!

"You're #Unstoppable.

#StayStrong"

Sincerely,

Hafreez Adam